About me17 czerwca 2020
Dear Dali – Letter 831 marca 2021
Your recent photo from a concert looked very professional.
Can't wait to hear you play again.
If I sound different than usual, it might be because I am writing from Belfast in Northern Ireland.
It is still in the United Kingdom but the Irish speak with a totally different accent than the English. Be thankful I am not writing from Glasgow in Scotland, you wouldn’t be able to understand a word!
September until December is a ‘poster season’ in the UK and it was my traveling time.
This season I crossed most of Great Britain, lengthwise and crosswise. Travelling with a van, selling posters and art prints to students. I slept in numerous hotels and visited dozens of cities and universities.
This means that I saw some beautiful sites across the whole country. But also it means that I was forced to wash with water smelling of chlorine and I was exposed to tv adverts simply insulting human intelligence.
Anyway, this is almost over for me and I am so happy about it.
I have something else to tell you. Before I left Poland in September, I fell in love with William... And it was a proper FALL.
I have fallen from heaven straight to hell.
Heaven is a place where I am a whole being. Full of wisdom, faith, empowerment, assertiveness, humility, peace, patience and generosity.
To hell, where I am unhappy, full of anger, desire, judgment, attachment, criticism, hate, illusion, blame and jealousy.
And how did it happen that I fall in love with William? The same William, that I thought was an alien/ angel/ gay best friend of mine.
I was looking at William often, during our time together, but never did I see him as a possible boyfriend or looked at him with desire. It was more to find out WHAT IS HIS PLANET.
I loved how I felt next to him. Completely free. I could ask him my existential questions and never felt alienated.
I loved him as a human being. WHEN did it turn into something less than that?
I mean, come on! I fell in love with the same William who was leaving for the night so you and I could make love.
The same William who received a ‘sign from the Universe’.
Let me tell you this story.
William and I were in San Cristobal. It was our first weeks leaving together, it wasn't long after he had joined me in Mexico.
While walking around the town I was approached by a young alchemist guy three times, he was offering a DMT ceremony in the mountains the next day.
Hesitating at first, I did put our names for it eventually. But I was not sure if it was the right time, also I didn’t know if I trusted the guy.
William's words were something like this:
-... we will see Malwina, in the morning the Universe will send us a sign if we should take DMT tomorrow.
Well. This is how I remember that morning.
As soon as I opened my eyes I saw William in the kitchen corner of our studio flat. He must have been preparing breakfast.
-Good morning Malwina. He greeted me cheerfully. His voice, soft, loving and tender as usual.
-I am not well! Was my announcing and rapid reply and with that I jumped out of our double bed and ran to the toilet.
As you may remember my rented flat in San Cristobal was very small so our toilet, without a fan, was right next to the bed and only about four meters away from the kitchenette.
In the toilet, I wasn't sure if I needed to puke or shit, but I felt I have to be fast, so I've made a quick decision of kneeling above the loo with my head inside it.
I did puke. But it was only half a win situation. Because I also shit, at the same time.
And so I was there, kneeling on one-meter sq, in my panda pyjamas, covered in shit from waist to toes.
I remember feeling of helplessness. I just didn't know what to do next? Where to start?
And I remember this was exactly the moment when I thought:
-This is how my dementia patients must feel like sometimes ...
But anyway, going back to my small studio flat and toilet without a ventilator. I don't know how long it took me to wash myself and my pyjamas in the sink. I remember William's worried tone. He was advising me to open the toilet door because if I don't I might suffocate.
When I came out, looking like a newborn OBVIOUSLY, after the biggest detox of my life, William was standing in the doorway to the patio, in one hand holding his t-shirt over his nose, Palo Santo in his other hand.
We both knew that the expected sign arrived and it was not THE day for a DMT ceremony.
Why was I telling you this story in the first place? Oh yes!
Back then I never considered William as a possible boyfriend! I mean, romantic as it was in our double bed, all three of us: me, William and salmonellosis.
Turned out it was a change of season in San Cristobal and many people got sick from tap water. William got it too. So our first weeks together in Mexico were full of shit.
I saw William in many situations. In Nicaragua in Mexico and in Poland. I know I could have a child with him. He is like a child himself and he knows how to play with children. I know he will not vaccinate his children or feed them with dead animals.
This summer I thought that I wanted to have a child with him. But actually, I am not ready for a child. I am completely happy without one at the moment.
It was just my ego playing games with my head and my sexual drive. I wanted to run my fingers over William’s hair and kiss him. I became sick of his experience. I didn’t keep my head clean. I created a desire.
Luckily, I did wake up to Life again and the mental hell has finished. Right now I am in my usual place of residence- almost Heaven.
Malwina M. Gawron
Northern Ireland, Autumn 2017